first off, two posts in one night is not only excessive, but it will never happen again.
i feel like i need to tell my story-why i am leaving, what i am doing too clear up the unknown if you will.
back in december i came home from college to take a hiatus from the emotional roller coaster college had me on. it was the best decision i had ever made, all though at the time i was lost in the confusion of my uncertainty. immediately i began working 3 jobs, one being at my dad's office which offered me immense flexibility. i was yearning for a silent retreat, or a retreat of any type to get me out of the pace i was racing downhill and then stagnant. when presented with the opportunity by my mother dearest to attend a junior high retreat as a chaperon through a movement i wanted to stay away from like the plague, i replied "yes"to this idea that didn't exactly line up with my idea blinded by what i thought was desperation. now i see it as the first real "yes" i have ever given God. i have come to believe that it is really amazing what faith/self-diagnosed need for Christ, where in reality it finds you. for me, it was still a sub-conscious surrendering that i was doing, but i knew the "yes" needed to be given.
at the retreat, i had spiritual guidance with one of the consecrated women of regnum christi. after spilling my guts, excited she exploded with the proposal for me to attend a 'youth formator's convention' in MI that started that wed....it was sunday and you were supposed to be signed up weeks prior. neither of us knew exactly how, but both knew this was God winking. and this was my first acknowledged encounter with God's sense of humor.
making the trek to MI that wed, not yet knowing exactly where i was staying, or how i was going to be paying for the 5 days, or even knowing anything about Regnum Christi except that i wanted nothing to do with it, i giggled the entire way. i knew what i wanted to get from this "retreat"- wanted to sort through the crap of the previous 3 months, i wanted to receive the grace to move on and the inspiration to become less impulsive.
shortly after arriving, i felt a warm-fuzzy feeling i had never felt before being in this huge white house busting with buzzing women completely on fire for Jesus. that night, i was introduced to the term "co-worker" and the next morning i learned more about it and was confronted with the term throughout the rest of the two days. a co-worker is a young woman who feels called by God to give Him one year (or more) of her life serve Him. well, of course this was right up my alley! i was immediately like "sign me up!" and then i remembered that whole working on impulsivity and i backed off. as the convention continued, i had more and more people asking me if i was a co-worker, or if i was at one time and i started to take that a bit more seriously. i think you should that i have never experienced a direct message from God. like direct words, clear as day. while i was in adoration that day just crying, (yes, i am turning into my mother) i heard it like no big deal, "maria, i want you. this is not impulsive." i tried to gain composure, and went down below to my dwelling area and called home. the conversation i feel was completely hysterical and i wish i were a bystander. here it goes--
ring ring ring
ME: hey-can i please chat with jan? (for those of you who don't know, my term of endearment for my mother)
ME: hey mom (sniffles begin), am i getting you at a bad time?
JAN: no not at all! its so good to hear your voice! how is it going? i've been praying for you!
ME: well, ugh, thats an interesting subject (ball forming in throat) things are great--(sniffle) i need to tell you something (flood gates just dropped. sobs begin) this is not impulsive i swear!
JAN: you want to be a co-worker, thats it isn't it?
ME: (shocked, but not really--jan and i are like this) mom i know this is what God wants(sob)He told me today in adoration(sob) it's not impulsive, i promise (sniffle)
JAN: honey, i know. God told me the day you left. i've talked to your dad, and i want you to know, we both completely support you and think it is great.
ok--that is basically the conversation. and here i am. less than 48 hours and i'm on my way. i haven't looked back-i know in the deepest dwelling of my soul, that this is where i belong. I am now a member of Regnum Christi, and I am obsessed-i'm not an expert, and i don't know very much about anything still (all i am certain of is that my apostelate is love) but God loves those with child-like faith, and i believe thats what is going to pull me through